I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
