My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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