My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
