I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
