These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
