At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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