I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
