Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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