so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
