the condom got lost in my hair
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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