White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
