He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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