bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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