Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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