What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Floor bacon is actually really good
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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