I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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