I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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