sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
