He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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