Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
