my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
