Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
