Whatcha textin bout Willis?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
