i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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