I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
