I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
