I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
