If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
