I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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