WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize