he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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