Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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