my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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