i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
