Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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