Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
