Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
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