for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
