Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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