Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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