i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize