Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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