I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
