Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
