Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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