Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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