i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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