If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
