sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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