On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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