We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
