Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
