did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
