Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
