i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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