Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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